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Muslim Marriage Myths
After years of relationship work amongst Muslims, Karim has noticed certain myths regarding love and expectations before (and during) marriage that can be harmful and unrealistic. Karim provides reflections and advice on myths vs. reality regarding love, personality, family, timing and Islamic practice. Some of the constructs he addresses include:
"I want to fall in love"
"I need to get married to have sex"
"There is no one good out there"
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I Don’t Feel Any Attraction to My Wife
QUESTION
Dear brother/sister. I have been married for a year now and I don’t feel the love for my wife. She does not have any physical relationship with me. It was an arranged marriage and I did not like this girl from the very beginning. I do not find her attractive. I am depressed because of this and have a constant regret in my life as to why I married her. I wanted to get married to a girl who is slim but she is little fat. I wanted a girl who has good features but her features are not so good. I do not feel any attraction towards her. I am just depressed and it is ruining both of our lives. I am a bit hesitant to tell this to my wife to break this bond as she loves me a lot, but I should also care about my happiness. I always pray to Allah to put love between us but my prayers are never answered. I feel very disappointed to live a fake life like this. Please help me decide or advice me what I can do in this state. May Allah help us.
RESPONSE by Karim Serageldin
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum brother,
All the praises be to Allah. Attraction is a very important factor to make a relationship successfull , but is not the only one. If you did not like her from the beginning, what made you feel you should marry her anyways? I would guess the answer is because of family pressure, which leads me to another question: do you think you can handle the family pressure in case of divorce?
I will first assume you prefer not to end your marriage and that you do not want to displease the families involved. However, you are right about thinking of your own happiness, otherwise you will never make her happy, and both of you will be living a miserable life together.
Even though divorce is allowed, and it is one of your options, it must be a last resort. Whether you like it or not, you are now married and the decision should not have been made if you were not in agreement to this marriage in the first place.
The physical attraction issue seems to be two sides. One is a weight issue, the other is a about her physical features. The weight issue can easily be solved with a life style change, diet and exercise. You can approach your wife and suggest exercising together, for example. Be aware of your tone and don’t be judgmental. Instead, use the exercise as a couple’s activity where you and she can actually have fun while getting in shape. Mentioning to her that you don’t feel attracted to her won’t help. Be kind and simply take this opportunity to spend quality time with her. A healthy life style will also contribute to your mood and behavior. If there are other aspects of her physical appearance that cannot be changed through exercise, then there is nothing that can be done.
Independent of her appearance, you should focus on her character, personality, skills or anything that makes her a good person and wife. You also have to remember that you are not perfect (none of us are), and there are probably things in you that she dislikes as well. Start to validate the portion of your marriage life that you actually enjoy and appreciate. Love does not need to be the same feeling or amount for each person in marriage at any given time. It can go up and down between two individuals that share some compatibility, enjoy each other’s company and have fun together and so on. Our religion made it very clear the importance of marriage and what a man should look for in a wife:
“Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard.” [Qur’an 4:34]
The Prophet (saw) also said: “The best property a man can have is a remembering tongue (about Allah), a grateful heart and a believing wife who helps him in his faith.” And again: “The world, the whole of it, is a commodity and the best of the commodities of the world is a virtuous wife.”
Indeed, beauty is important brother, but it does not last forever. If your wife is a good woman, religious and loves you, I believe you should give a chance to this relationship and try to build intimacy and bond with her. One year is not a long time for a couple to get to know each other deeply. Turn all your attention to the things that pleases you. Laugh with her, talk, share dreams and expectations. You might find a wonderful woman if you use more of your heart and not your eyes.
May Allah bless you and make your path easier.
6 Tips to Move On From A Crush
Originally published on About Islam
QUESTION
I fell in love with one of my classmates at college, my dear friend, but I haven't seen him since we graduated a year ago. I miss him a lot and this causes unbearable pain and suffering. What shall I do? I feel lost.
RESPONSE by Karim Serageldin
As-Salaamu ’Alaikum sister,
I’m sorry to hear about your sadness and pain. I understand what it feels like to miss someone you endear. I will treat your situation as if you have a crush on your classmate since there is no indication that you two were in a mutual relationship. Tips to move on from your crush:
Naivety can be dangerous
Many people who have little relationship experience confuse someone being nice to them liking or loving you. It is not the same! I know someone who believed a co-worker was in love with her just because he sat with her at the cafeteria to talk during lunch break. This person “waited” for three years to get a proposal when the evidence clearly indicated that he did not love her but was just being cordial.
Accept that you have crush
Once you realize that he may not have the same feelings as you, the reality becomes clear- it is mostly in your mind. Look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you have a crush and that he does not think or feel about you in the way you hoped. I know this is hard but so is living in a fantasy which has led to suffering and pain for one year!
Recognize it may be best
You may not be compatible as a future couple. Friends are not always the best material for marriage. You may realize in the future that it was best that it did not turn into something more. Trust that God will connect you with the right person when you are ready.
All experience is good
Whether things turn out the way you want them or not, all experience, pleasurable or painful, is good because you always learn something and gain lessons of wisdom! Life will always have transitory events and situations that will refine and polish you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Don’t dwell
The more you replay the hurt and fantasy in your mind the more your heart will hurt and you may even feel anger. This cycle is like self-poisoning – you are the one that keeps drinking the poison elixir you create by replaying and dwelling on something that may not be true or may never become true.
Direct yourself forward
When you go through heartbreak, you must remove all triggers that remind you of that person. Instead, focus on connecting with close friends who can support you, having hobbies of interest, and so on. Avoid living in the past and looking him on social media. In the future, try to actually build a relationship with a man who is interested in doing so and learn more about those signs.
May Allah help you,